I Must Be Slow

I know for a fact one of worst character flaws is my tendency to look back.  Often times it's with regret and others it's with irritation that I was blind to what was going on around me.

A pastor recently made the headlines because he tragically took his own life.  I don't know what brought him to that place so low he would consider that option, but I do understand how low we get in this calling.  It's not an accident David is SO melancholy in some of his writings.  Serving the Lord while leading others can be hard (don't get me wrong, it's also wonderful at other times).

I don't know what took that young preacher, with a beautiful family, so low, but it made me think of one of the worst time in my ministry life and looking back I feel so dumb that I didn't see what was going on right in front of my eyes.  Now don't roll your eyes at this cliche', but it was trouble with a leader IN the church I pastored.

ALL the signs were there and I didn't see them.  In trying to disciple my board I gave them all a book written by Rick DuBose who at that time was the District Superintendent for the North Texas District of the Assemblies of God.  The book was entitled the Church That Works.  It had been recommended by our district presbytery at a recent meeting and explained a church must be lead by God and not the people, with the pastor serving as His voice in the local body.  A month after I gave the book to those seven men he was the only one who voiced he had some issues with it.  No big thing I thought.  It's just a book.

Another BIG sign was he was always out of the service when church was going on.  He'd be counting the money or checking in on the children's ministry, etc.  All good reasons for being out, but that was what I should have been seeing.  He was never in.

The sign that should have awaken any pastor asleep at the wheel was an illegal get together he organized in my absence.  I missed a Wednesday night service to take my daughter to college and get her settled in.  Unbeknownst to me, the board was having a meeting he brought together.  There were issues with the youth pastor and I can only suppose they felt I wasn't being stern enough with him.  This was definitely organized as they had folders of materials and board members who NEVER came on Wednesday nights were there.  By the constitution and bylaws of our fellowship in an emergency the board could meet without me, but was required to inform the chairman, which was me, that they had met.  That wasn't an emergency.  I never really let them know I knew they had met, but several church members knew what was going on and made sure to let me know.  That was a rough season, but we got through it even though my district superiors had given me authority to remove every board member who was there if I so chose to.  I didn't.

The final straw was over a sermon.  I had heard Perry Stone speak as a near by church and purchased a couple of his books.  One was entitled the Judas Goat and I turned it into a sermon making sure to credit the author for all the hard work.  My hope was to deter anyone from becoming a potential "goat" that lead the Lord's sheep into danger (really a great book).

The brother wasn't even there the morning I shared that message.  It wasn't about him, or so I thought.  He was a guy I'd had meals with, played golf with, and trusted.  When he saw me he'd say "How is my brother, my pastor, and my friend?"  I knew we had issues, but I didn't think of him as an enemy and the Judas Goat is about seeing your enemies that might seem like friends.  I didn't see him that way.  In my life I've lost very few friends, three or for in 50 years of life.

We were in a board meeting and things got a little heated (the ONLY board I've ever had that happen with, but I wasn't the only pastor they've had heat with).  As we were leaving I asked him what was the deal, why did he seem so adversarial?  He quickly replied I had messed up, I'd even been preaching about him to which I replied "What are you talking about?  When?"  He said when you preached the Judas Goat.

I was dumbfounded.  He hadn't even been there.  He wasn't a target of that message.  But in that moment I realized he fit the bill.  Someone HAD identified him as the goat and when he had been told guilt had manifested into anger.  And I hadn't seen it until that moment!

Now believe it or not, this isn't about him.  It's not.  It's about me and looking back.  He turned out to be my enemy.  He proved that with some things that followed even after we moved away.  I have forgiven in for what I PERCEIVE he did wrong and I hope he has forgiven me for his perception of those events.  No, it's not about him but this reflection angers me that I wasn't a better pastor, wiser and able to identify what was going on right in front of me.  My failing to repair and restore what had been a friendship.

Also remember, you're only reading MY side of this.  He's a good man and I bet he has an entirely different take on what happened.  What I cannot change is how he sees things.  What I can do is learn from how I saw things then, now, and in my future as I continue down this road of ministry.

Again, what was it brought that pastor SO low?  I like to believe it was chemical, something inside that was not connected to people or ministry.  I hope even in his coldest moment he loved his family and knew how they loved him.  I hope he felt the presence of his heavenly Father even as he made his terrible choice.

Proverbs 28:2&3 says "When a country is rebellious, it has many rulers, but a ruler with discernment and knowledge maintains order.  A ruler who oppresses the poor is like a driving rain that leaves no crops."  It's my job, my calling, to hear the Lord above every wrong voice, even my own.  In this I look back and hope I'm not too slow to learn.

A Need to Vent

 I often tell people venting is just the release of hot air and rarely a good thing. However, I do believe in the value of journaling or emptying our feelings in a private way. I’m not sure anyone even has a connection anymore to my blog, so here I am.

 For the second time in one week I find myself miserable in ministry. Earlier this week I just hated myself and all the things that go along with this life. I feel disqualified by my poor decisions and unqualified with the lack of anointing I often feel when I go to the pulpit.   That passed, but now for different reasons I’m still hating the ministry.

I so long for a life where I can do my job, and have no worry of politics  ( and if you didn’t know, ministry is full of politics) .  More than ever I miss my days of a normal job where I could go to work and then go home. The two weren’t intermingled. . I’m so tired of dealing with everyone’s bad attitudes, desire for me to do things their way, or wiping noses of people who are upset with one another.

I feel like my preaching/speaking does no good as no one seems to listen anyway. Now in that, I’m not bashing myself. I don’t have enough talent to preach something that’s not in the Bible so it is the word of God they are ignoring. Still, when you do everything you can to illustrate or educate people on what the Lord has said and they go right  along doing everything he says not to do, what’s the point?

 It seems lately I have been overwhelmed with regrets. Choices I’ve made in the last 5+ years that just hang on me. I no longer own my own home and my savings are gone. Everything I had accomplished the previous 15 years erased because I took a church that wasn’t God‘s will for me.

With my cousin Rick passed, I don’t have a pastor/counselor for myself. Thus this entry. I feel like I am adrift and lost while at the same time ashamed for these feelings. I'm not alone in this.  Many preachers suffer in silence with a smile on their faces.  What is the answer to this?  I love when someone says "Pray".  Seriously?  Do you think we don't pray?  Another might say "Get in the Word".  Again, seriously?

There must be an answer to this and if you're reading this I'm not looking for your sympathy but I would appreciate your prayers for myself and all who do our best to serve the Lord.  I know He is the only way we can get through these valleys.

A PK to be proud of...

Pastor's kids (or PK's) get a tough rap.  They're often expected to be perfect as an example of what Christian parents can raise.  The expectations are often impossible as kids are just kids no matter what their parents do.  Mine have been repeatedly left out of things because of who their mom and I are and that would give easy excuse to be bitter but they're not.  My kids give me reason to be proud.  They're not perfect, but they're awfully good.  Here is just one story to share.

Today was a really tough day as a pastor.  I felt impressed by the Lord to preach a really difficult message that I didn't want to preach but at the same time I could see the need.  The need was created from me backing off the subject for the years I have pastored this congregation.

Anyway, that was tough but I did it.  Then in the evening service I shared something lighter and more of a Christian building message that was much more easy for me and probably for the listeners.  Still, right after the service I received some difficult news.  The info that came to me effects my whole family and our future so I was shaken.

EVERY Sunday night after service we head to Taco Bell (we really need to stop because we're all burnt out on it).  I was not myself and let me tell you what my awesome son said and did.  He put his arm around his deflated dad and said "You're the most awesome dad ever."  After a second more he said "Don't worry.  God's got this."

Such simple words!  Such incredible simplicity and direct faith!  I love my son.  I'm so thankful he loves me.  Most of all I'm SO glad he knows the Lord and serves Him without reservation.  He's not the average, stereotyped PK.  He's much better!

Where's a Tour Guide When You Need One

Whew! It’s been a tough month, actually a tough summer. For the first time in a LONG time I have had several pastor’s Monday’s (smile if you know what that is). It’s a tough job and anyone who has ever been in ministry knows it. Thank the Lord He provides guidance through His Word and through the counsel of other ministers and their writings.

One that I often turn to was recommended to me by another pastor; it is Leading on Empty by Wayne Cordeiro. Listen to this excerpt;

I hadn’t realized that as a pastor I was involved in a vocation that had a dismal track record. It might be the pressures involved, or it could be the high expectations. But in either case, I found that a large number of those in pastoral ministry did not finish well.

In H.B. London Jr.’s great work Pastors at Greater Risk, we find these startling statistics:

* 80 percent believe that pastoral ministry affects their families negatively.

* 33 percent say that being in ministry is an outright hazard to their family.

* 75 percent report they’ve had a significant stress-related crisis at least once in their ministry.

* 50 percent feel unable to meet the needs of the job.

* 90 percent feel they’re inadequately trained to cope with the ministry demands.

* 56 percent of pastors wives say that they have no close friends.

* 45 percent of pastors’ wives say the greatest danger to them and their family is physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual burnout.

* 52 percent of pastors say they and their spouses believe that being in pastoral ministry is hazardous to their family’s well-being and health.

* 70 percent do not have someone they consider a close friend.

Yes, those are statistics, and it’s easy for us to shrug off a list of numbers. But it’s a different story when instead of reading the statistics, you find yourself on the verge of becoming one.”

Some days of ministry are rough. You deal with betrayal, disappointment, unreasonable expectations (your congregations and your own), and of course failure. If you’ve faced that ministry Monday just remember you’re not alone. Your greatest heroes of the faith went through the same valleys you’re in right now. Just look at these statistics and know the Gospel of Jesus Christ continues in spite of the road being a hard one to travel.

If you find yourself in a time of “giving up” I say give it up. Find another minister in whom you know you can trust and talk it out with them. An experienced guide always knows the road better than those who are traveling it for the first time.

I have found strength in Bro. Cordeiro’s book and he found it in Bro. London’s work as well. This is a needed and never ending chain. We all need our mentors so if you’re down preacher, go find yours!

Thank you for taking the time to read my blog and remember, YOU ARE LOVED!

It's Still Afloat!

Just recently I visited some new folks from my church and had a great visit.  There was one thing that came up I wanted to share here that I've heard a lot that has been bothering me.  One of the folks talked about some people who once attended our church but no longer do so because they were hurt.

C’mon guys, enough of this.   If the church were perfect not a one of us could walk through the door. I told my church last week if I hear one more person tell me how they were “hurt by the church” (a phrase I’ve used myself WAY to often) I'm gonna throw up!  We’ve all been hurt, we’ve all been disappointed but we’ve all hurt someone and we’ve all disappointed someone as well.  I doubt ANY of it was totally intentional, but it happened.   If the church deserves an “F” for its behavior and performance in this generation we’re all part of the blame.  We cannot judge someone by their actions and ourselves by our intentions.  In 19 years of ministry I have failed people an immeasurable number of times.  I failed to return calls or visit the sick.  I misinterpreted what people needed when they talked to me.   I hate those failings but know I will do them again (God help me! ) because no matter how hard I try I will never be perfect.

That knowledge of my limitations MUST influence the way I receive the wounds that others place on me - intentional or otherwise.

If men drive you away from God you’re closer to them than Him.  What happened to me as a pastor almost killed me (seriously) and once I even gave up my credentials with no intent of ever pastoring again.  It was tough but I finally realized it was the Lord who called me and not men.  I won’t let them stop me.

Keep going folks, we were called to be a separate people, offer the other cheek over and over, and you all know a dozen more scripture.  Jesus said “If you love Me you will obey my commands” and if no one else follows or supports us that’s just tough luck.  Faith isn’t about our perception.

Let me finish with this, Edmund Burke is quoted as saying “All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.”  The church will never be perfect but it is the best thing afloat.  If it's messed up it needs YOU to fix it.
Thanks for taking the time to read my blog and remember, YOU ARE LOVED!

My Daily Devotion

I'm always encouraging people to start their day with a devotion.  It doesn't have to be a long drawn out part of your day.  There are wonderful books filled with 5 minute devotions that often don't take even that long.  My favorite is one that is free and furnished to me by our church; "The Word for you Today".  I love this little thing.  So often it seems to be just what I needed.  It always provides one verse of scripture for the foundation of what it will share, but to keep it in context I always try to read the entire chapter so I know what is going on.  Note: I throw that rule out if it is citing the 119th Psalm.

Today is Wednesday, July 9th and the devotion was so good I wanted to share it with you.  Now remember, these are not my words nor ideas, but as they spoke to me I pray they speak to you.

Proverbs 2:11 "Discretion will preserve you."

EXERCISE DISCRETION

We've all said the wrong thing, at the wrong time, to the wrong person, and ended up regretting it.  A pastor was being honored at a retirement dinner, and a local politician had been asked to make a speech.  The politician was running late so the pastor decided to say a few words: "When I came here twenty-five years ago I thought this was a terrible church.  The first man I talked to said he'd stolen, lied, embezzled, had an affair and done drugs.  I was appalled.  Then I realized everybody isn't like that; this church is filled with good people."  Just then the politician arrived and stood up to speak: "I'll never forget the day the pastor arrived and I had the privilege of being the first church member to talk to him."  Loose lips sink ships!  The Bible says "Discretion will preserve you."  Being discreet means having the ability to keep sensitive information private - including things you may have heard years ago!  The writer of Proverbs said, "He who is trustworthy conceals a matter" (Pro. 11:13 NSA), and in the New Testament Paul cautions believers about discussing "things not proper to mention"
(1 Tim. 5:13 NAS).  Divulging what you know about other people's problems and failures may make you feel good momentarily, but afterwards it has a negative impact on the relationship.  Plus, you get a reputation as a person who can't be trusted.  A wise man said, "If your lips would keep from slips, five things observe with care: of whom you speak, to whom you speak, and how, and when, and where."  That's advice you would do well to pay attention to!

Except for me emphasizing some things in colors (that's a note habit for me) that is word for word from my devotion and I heartily recommend your church offer this awesome quarterly devotion.

How I wish I had read those words ten years ago.  Maybe I could have kept myself from saying stupid things to those who turned out to be less than trustworthy.  Perhaps I could have preserved friendships that meant so much to me that their betrayal still haunts me today.  Ignorance may be bliss, but education comes with a cost and I've paid a heavily for my lack of discretion. 

THAT'S why starting each day in the Word is so important.  You cannot depend on your pastor to be there for every moment of your life.  You need to be responsible for your own growth and certain levels of discipleship must be reached alone.

Let me encourage you as never before to learn from my mistakes and avoid you own, daily build your house upon the rock and grow into the person God has called YOU to be.  Hold your tongue and exercise discretion.

Thank you for taking the time to read my blog and remember, YOU ARE LOVED!

Happy Birthday America!

It has been a GREAT 4^th of July! As our nation celebrated it’s 238th birthday our family celebrated freedom of choice and did basically what we wanted. It all started with sleeping in (always a favorite of my wife’s). At 10:30 I joined a friend for 18 holes of golf and although I wasn’t close to good, for me it wasn’t bad either. When I got home we did some swimming but to be honest it was almost too cold to enjoy.

Did you catch that? On July 4^th in Louisiana it was a cool day! That made the round of golf even more awesome. At one point there was a nice, but not too strong wind that actually gave me a brief shudder! Did I move back to Nebraska and didn’t know it?

Still, swam we did. The whole family basked in the sun on our rafts enjoying the sunshine until I got out to grill some excellent Kansas City strip steaks. My wife fixed up some sweet potatoes and corn on the cob as my boy made a chocolate pie for desert. What a feast!

After that we shot off a few fireworks in our back yard then went inside for a few episodes of our favorite series (this month) until we got sleepy. What an excellent day!

Point? None whatsoever. Just a great day made possible by those warriors who have served our nation ever since that first shot was fired in 1776, those who were willing to pay the ultimate price so that their children could enjoy days like the one we had today.

I LOVE the United States of America!! As we gathered around the dinner table we had a prayer of thanks for our freedom. We thanked the Lord that we were born here and enjoy the liberties that may have been denied us elsewhere. The fireworks, pool, and food were great but I take no pride in them. Today as never before, even with all our problems and division the good ol USA remains the greatest place to live on earth and I proudly proclaim I’m proud to be an American!

Thanks for taking the time to read this testimony (also known as my blog) and remember, YOU ARE LOVED!