A Need to Vent

 I often tell people venting is just the release of hot air and rarely a good thing. However, I do believe in the value of journaling or emptying our feelings in a private way. I’m not sure anyone even has a connection anymore to my blog, so here I am.

 For the second time in one week I find myself miserable in ministry. Earlier this week I just hated myself and all the things that go along with this life. I feel disqualified by my poor decisions and unqualified with the lack of anointing I often feel when I go to the pulpit.   That passed, but now for different reasons I’m still hating the ministry.

I so long for a life where I can do my job, and have no worry of politics  ( and if you didn’t know, ministry is full of politics) .  More than ever I miss my days of a normal job where I could go to work and then go home. The two weren’t intermingled. . I’m so tired of dealing with everyone’s bad attitudes, desire for me to do things their way, or wiping noses of people who are upset with one another.

I feel like my preaching/speaking does no good as no one seems to listen anyway. Now in that, I’m not bashing myself. I don’t have enough talent to preach something that’s not in the Bible so it is the word of God they are ignoring. Still, when you do everything you can to illustrate or educate people on what the Lord has said and they go right  along doing everything he says not to do, what’s the point?

 It seems lately I have been overwhelmed with regrets. Choices I’ve made in the last 5+ years that just hang on me. I no longer own my own home and my savings are gone. Everything I had accomplished the previous 15 years erased because I took a church that wasn’t God‘s will for me.

With my cousin Rick passed, I don’t have a pastor/counselor for myself. Thus this entry. I feel like I am adrift and lost while at the same time ashamed for these feelings. I'm not alone in this.  Many preachers suffer in silence with a smile on their faces.  What is the answer to this?  I love when someone says "Pray".  Seriously?  Do you think we don't pray?  Another might say "Get in the Word".  Again, seriously?

There must be an answer to this and if you're reading this I'm not looking for your sympathy but I would appreciate your prayers for myself and all who do our best to serve the Lord.  I know He is the only way we can get through these valleys.