I Must Be Slow

I know for a fact one of worst character flaws is my tendency to look back.  Often times it's with regret and others it's with irritation that I was blind to what was going on around me.

A pastor recently made the headlines because he tragically took his own life.  I don't know what brought him to that place so low he would consider that option, but I do understand how low we get in this calling.  It's not an accident David is SO melancholy in some of his writings.  Serving the Lord while leading others can be hard (don't get me wrong, it's also wonderful at other times).

I don't know what took that young preacher, with a beautiful family, so low, but it made me think of one of the worst time in my ministry life and looking back I feel so dumb that I didn't see what was going on right in front of my eyes.  Now don't roll your eyes at this cliche', but it was trouble with a leader IN the church I pastored.

ALL the signs were there and I didn't see them.  In trying to disciple my board I gave them all a book written by Rick DuBose who at that time was the District Superintendent for the North Texas District of the Assemblies of God.  The book was entitled the Church That Works.  It had been recommended by our district presbytery at a recent meeting and explained a church must be lead by God and not the people, with the pastor serving as His voice in the local body.  A month after I gave the book to those seven men he was the only one who voiced he had some issues with it.  No big thing I thought.  It's just a book.

Another BIG sign was he was always out of the service when church was going on.  He'd be counting the money or checking in on the children's ministry, etc.  All good reasons for being out, but that was what I should have been seeing.  He was never in.

The sign that should have awaken any pastor asleep at the wheel was an illegal get together he organized in my absence.  I missed a Wednesday night service to take my daughter to college and get her settled in.  Unbeknownst to me, the board was having a meeting he brought together.  There were issues with the youth pastor and I can only suppose they felt I wasn't being stern enough with him.  This was definitely organized as they had folders of materials and board members who NEVER came on Wednesday nights were there.  By the constitution and bylaws of our fellowship in an emergency the board could meet without me, but was required to inform the chairman, which was me, that they had met.  That wasn't an emergency.  I never really let them know I knew they had met, but several church members knew what was going on and made sure to let me know.  That was a rough season, but we got through it even though my district superiors had given me authority to remove every board member who was there if I so chose to.  I didn't.

The final straw was over a sermon.  I had heard Perry Stone speak as a near by church and purchased a couple of his books.  One was entitled the Judas Goat and I turned it into a sermon making sure to credit the author for all the hard work.  My hope was to deter anyone from becoming a potential "goat" that lead the Lord's sheep into danger (really a great book).

The brother wasn't even there the morning I shared that message.  It wasn't about him, or so I thought.  He was a guy I'd had meals with, played golf with, and trusted.  When he saw me he'd say "How is my brother, my pastor, and my friend?"  I knew we had issues, but I didn't think of him as an enemy and the Judas Goat is about seeing your enemies that might seem like friends.  I didn't see him that way.  In my life I've lost very few friends, three or for in 50 years of life.

We were in a board meeting and things got a little heated (the ONLY board I've ever had that happen with, but I wasn't the only pastor they've had heat with).  As we were leaving I asked him what was the deal, why did he seem so adversarial?  He quickly replied I had messed up, I'd even been preaching about him to which I replied "What are you talking about?  When?"  He said when you preached the Judas Goat.

I was dumbfounded.  He hadn't even been there.  He wasn't a target of that message.  But in that moment I realized he fit the bill.  Someone HAD identified him as the goat and when he had been told guilt had manifested into anger.  And I hadn't seen it until that moment!

Now believe it or not, this isn't about him.  It's not.  It's about me and looking back.  He turned out to be my enemy.  He proved that with some things that followed even after we moved away.  I have forgiven in for what I PERCEIVE he did wrong and I hope he has forgiven me for his perception of those events.  No, it's not about him but this reflection angers me that I wasn't a better pastor, wiser and able to identify what was going on right in front of me.  My failing to repair and restore what had been a friendship.

Also remember, you're only reading MY side of this.  He's a good man and I bet he has an entirely different take on what happened.  What I cannot change is how he sees things.  What I can do is learn from how I saw things then, now, and in my future as I continue down this road of ministry.

Again, what was it brought that pastor SO low?  I like to believe it was chemical, something inside that was not connected to people or ministry.  I hope even in his coldest moment he loved his family and knew how they loved him.  I hope he felt the presence of his heavenly Father even as he made his terrible choice.

Proverbs 28:2&3 says "When a country is rebellious, it has many rulers, but a ruler with discernment and knowledge maintains order.  A ruler who oppresses the poor is like a driving rain that leaves no crops."  It's my job, my calling, to hear the Lord above every wrong voice, even my own.  In this I look back and hope I'm not too slow to learn.

A Need to Vent

 I often tell people venting is just the release of hot air and rarely a good thing. However, I do believe in the value of journaling or emptying our feelings in a private way. I’m not sure anyone even has a connection anymore to my blog, so here I am.

 For the second time in one week I find myself miserable in ministry. Earlier this week I just hated myself and all the things that go along with this life. I feel disqualified by my poor decisions and unqualified with the lack of anointing I often feel when I go to the pulpit.   That passed, but now for different reasons I’m still hating the ministry.

I so long for a life where I can do my job, and have no worry of politics  ( and if you didn’t know, ministry is full of politics) .  More than ever I miss my days of a normal job where I could go to work and then go home. The two weren’t intermingled. . I’m so tired of dealing with everyone’s bad attitudes, desire for me to do things their way, or wiping noses of people who are upset with one another.

I feel like my preaching/speaking does no good as no one seems to listen anyway. Now in that, I’m not bashing myself. I don’t have enough talent to preach something that’s not in the Bible so it is the word of God they are ignoring. Still, when you do everything you can to illustrate or educate people on what the Lord has said and they go right  along doing everything he says not to do, what’s the point?

 It seems lately I have been overwhelmed with regrets. Choices I’ve made in the last 5+ years that just hang on me. I no longer own my own home and my savings are gone. Everything I had accomplished the previous 15 years erased because I took a church that wasn’t God‘s will for me.

With my cousin Rick passed, I don’t have a pastor/counselor for myself. Thus this entry. I feel like I am adrift and lost while at the same time ashamed for these feelings. I'm not alone in this.  Many preachers suffer in silence with a smile on their faces.  What is the answer to this?  I love when someone says "Pray".  Seriously?  Do you think we don't pray?  Another might say "Get in the Word".  Again, seriously?

There must be an answer to this and if you're reading this I'm not looking for your sympathy but I would appreciate your prayers for myself and all who do our best to serve the Lord.  I know He is the only way we can get through these valleys.