My Darkest Moment of Ministry

I don't know if I've EVER shared with anyone what I'm going to talk about in this blog.  Not that it's a great secret or anything scandalous, it's just something I hated when it happened.

A short four years ago my mother-in-law, Dianna Milligan passed away after a heroic battle with breast cancer.  Now many people do not like their mother-in-law but I was the opposite, I loved her.  I was probably closer to that incredible lady than I was to my own mom.  It makes sense since I had my mom in my life for 19 years and Dianna for 23.  She was a confidant, buddy, sister, mom, and dear friend.  Her loss was hard to get over and left a much larger void in my life than I could ever have imagined.  She made me feel like I was her son and not a son-in-law.

When Dianna passed I had been her pastor for around seven years and what a privilege it was.  She was faithful right up to the end even watching the church nursery from a wheelchair.  She was hard working, dedicated, kind, giving, and in an area I appreciate now more than ever I knew she always had my back.  If someone said something bad about me, look out!  She was ready to defend and never believe anything negative without talking to me first.  What a blessing.

After she had passed and my father-in-law was making the funeral arrangements it fell to me to perform the service.  Knowing how close we were some wondered if I could get through the obvious emotions but confidently I said I could. 

You see I WANTED to deliver that message because she had meant so much to me.  I wanted it to be the greatest funeral message I could ever hope to give and so I studied, prayed, and reflected on my friend much deeper than any other message before or since.  I wrote, re-wrote, printed and reprinted my sermon notes over and over to make sure I could convey to those who would be in attendance what a great and rare lady we had all shared.  When the day came I was ready, or so I thought.

The funeral was beautiful.  Her family, friends, and co-workers shared different things that were touching and inspiring.  When it came time for me to speak I went with confidence to the pulpit and off I went preaching a homegoing message for a woman I knew had entered the gates of heaven with a big smile on her face (funerals are sad so homegoings aren't funerals to me) .

When I preach I write very detailed notes.  I know some don't and even others think that's wrong as if the Lord is limited because you write out what you feel He is saying to you in preparation for preaching.  Others even complain that notes remove our reliance on the Lord and to that I say "hogwash" because I wouldn't have a clue what to write without Him.  I know because I've tried.

With my four pages of notes (that's pretty standard for me on most messages) I began.  I spoken with tear filled eyes and my voice occasionally cracked, but I felt great about everything I was sharing until I got to the last page.  It was then that I noticed I had made a critical mistake.  In my writing and re-writing, printing and reprinting I had messed up and had not brought a page four but two sheets of page three.  Somewhere back at my home sat the conclusion of my message.

You must understand that the conclusion or closure of a sermon is the most important part.  It is where scriptures, examples, and stories are tied together to make a point and of ALL times I didn't include that critical information in my notes. 

It's amazing how time can seem to stand still in a moment.  I know to the crowd that day it mush have seemed but a brief pause, but for me it was as a thousand years.  The thoughts warped through my head; "Oh no! How could I have done this? This messes everything up and Dianna deserved my best!"  I though many other things in that millisecond but quickly I regrouped and closed from my heart.  It went fine but I was devastated inside.  Now I know all the things most would say in comfort and I would agree and say them to someone else too but that was a very, very dark moment for me. 

To this day some four years later that mistake occasionally haunts me.  In fact every time I have something I consider different or important come up there's that memory of failure.  Now at this point I could quote you a number of scriptures (2 Timothy 1:7, Philippians 1:6, Philippians 2:13, James 4:10 and thankfully the list is long in this regard) but what I want you to know is every time that dark moment comes up I center on this: "It's all right."  Simple but true.

There's only been ONE person in the history of humanity who was perfect and for me to expect myself or anyone else to be is asking way too much.  I forgive myself of that blunder every time it comes up and if you have anything in your life that haunts you please try it.  You will never be able to forgive others until you can truly forgive yourself.  Let it go and if it comes back let it go again.

I don't know if this story will help anyone but I felt led of the Lord to share.  All our hurts don't always come from someone else and all our mistakes don't always have a tangible scar.  Sometimes we just have a heart broken by our own hands.  Whatever happened friend let it go as you would want someone else to do. 

Thanks for taking the time to read my blog and always remember, YOU ARE LOVED!!

- For my friend

Moving Forward

Today I put on an old church T-shirt. “So what” you say? Well you need to know it’s the first time I have put it on since I resigned as pastor of that church. It was a big moment for me even if no one else thought about it or cared.

I’ve served as pastor of six churches in my years of ministry all filled with mountains and valleys. For a long time I believed it was my ministry to serve as a part-time pastor for churches that could not afford a full-time position. Often I went in to rebuild after a split or other such situation that had left the church depleted and needing to start over. I did this until physically I couldn’t any longer.

When things go bad in a church an often overlooked casualty is the minister. Please don’t misunderstand, I know full well in such times it’s often the leaders fault things go as they do but RARELY was the crash planned. In fact I’d say almost never is a church catastrophe what people wanted and those hurt or offended forget that in their own hurt or anger.

When there is dissention, factions, gossip, moral failure, or even the disastrous split the local body suffers and the pain starts in the heart of the shepherd. He or she must bear this burden more than anyone else even after they’ve gone somewhere else.

The shirt I wear today is from one of my most pleasant memories. When it ended my heart was shattered in ways I could not have imagined it could be. Almost everything that could have happened short of moral failure took place and the cost was unimaginable. I could see it coming, I had been told it was coming and even made contingency plans to prepare for it but when it did I couldn’t handle it.

I thought of leaving the ministry for good. I considered many, many excessive reactions and today as I wear that shirt I praise my God that I didn’t do them.

So, back to that shirt. When I moved on I burned many of my memories as to protect myself from them. How foolish. Memory is in your mind not a drawer. I have prayed for YEARS about this hurt as I asked God to help me overcome my bitterness, regret, and pain. It didn’t happen overnight but I can definitely feel it getting better.

I look at myself in the shirt and a flood of good memories flood over me, the good outweighing the bad in massive proportions and I want you to know this can happen to you as well but you must keep seeking the Father. I think of Galatians 6:9 where it says “And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart.”
Moving on is a heart issue no matter why you need to move on or where from the most important thing is do not give up. Keep praying, keep seeking the Lord, just never, ever quit.

Thanks for taking the time to read my blog and remember, YOU ARE LOVED!!

A Weekend to Remember

OK, first of all there is no particular rhyme or reason to my blog.  Some blogs are deep, some are angry rants, some are insightful and others are spiritual.  Minus the anger (I hope) mine could be anything.  That's why this particular entry is more of a testimony that was too long for Facebook. 

I have had a particularly GREAT weekend, so good I had to write.  It started with Friday.  My wife (Tracy) left early to attend a WM's (Women's Ministries) conference hostED by the state office for the Assemblies of God.  Now this wasn't good for me as I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE my wife.  She is my best friend and I miss her tremendously when we are apart but it was a good thing for her!  We have a great women's group at our church but there is just something about getting together with others outside your own local church that is special.  Tracy doesn't like to be away from me and the kids so when she decided she wanted to go I KNEW she would get blessed and did she ever!!  She has been telling me about the richness of God's presence, the anointed worship, and the powerful life changing testimonies that were shared.  She committed that which is most valuable these days (her time) and she has been blessed for it.  When my wife is blessed so am I so we were off to a great start.

With Tracy out of town and the kids in school I had time on my hands and coupons for some free golf.  I had received these things for pastor appreciation and this pastor sure appreciated it.  It was a beautiful day, cost me nothing but my time and I learned something.  The only thing worse than playing a bad round of golf by yourself is playing a good round of golf by yourself.  There's no one there to see it!  Still, solitary golf is spiritual for me.  I talk to the Lord a lot while I'm playing.  I guess it's praying but it feels more like we are hanging out. 

When school was over the kids and I had dinner at home (that's when I REALLY miss my wife, seems like a leg is missing) and soon after my daughter went to a youth group activity leaving my son and I home alone.  What to do?  What else?  BATMAN!!  We watched the Michael Keaton version from the 80's.  Not quite as dark as recent versions and my boy loved it until he fell asleep.  Soon after my little girl came home and everyone went to sleep.  Nice Friday.

We were up early Saturday morning so my little girl could help with the youth group garage sale for missions.  My boy and I went to breakfast together then afterwards we played his FIRST round of golf that didn't include the word miniature.  He did (no disrespect to Tony the Tiger) GRRRREAT!  Of course I played as well (had to instruct didn't I?) and I caught a glimpse of my future golf buddy.  Excuse me I need a tissue for my allergies.

When we were done we picked up the daughter who's activity was about done and headed to Ruston, Louisiana for some college football.  As a reward for good grades my son received a free ticket to watch the #22 Louisiana Tech Bulldogs play so his sister and I tagged along.  Beautiful day, free tailgating food, and the home team won.  What's not to love?

When we got home my lovely wife was here to welcome us with hugs and kisses so now a very tired family is resting for a wonderful reunion tomorrow.  What reunion?  We will see our church family in the house of God!  I'm so excited about what He might do as I feel like I've had a mini vacation, Tracy is refreshed, and the kids love their church.  Yes, it has been one great weekend.

Many people have been posting daily "things they are thankful for" since it is November/Thanksgiving month.  I hope whatever you do you will take the time to tell someone how thankful you are for the blessings God puts in your life everyday.  Thank you for taking the time to read my blog and remember, YOU ARE LOVED!