I don't know if I've EVER shared with anyone what I'm going to talk about in this blog. Not that it's a great secret or anything scandalous, it's just something I hated when it happened.
A short four years ago my mother-in-law, Dianna Milligan passed away after a heroic battle with breast cancer. Now many people do not like their mother-in-law but I was the opposite, I loved her. I was probably closer to that incredible lady than I was to my own mom. It makes sense since I had my mom in my life for 19 years and Dianna for 23. She was a confidant, buddy, sister, mom, and dear friend. Her loss was hard to get over and left a much larger void in my life than I could ever have imagined. She made me feel like I was her son and not a son-in-law.
When Dianna passed I had been her pastor for around seven years and what a privilege it was. She was faithful right up to the end even watching the church nursery from a wheelchair. She was hard working, dedicated, kind, giving, and in an area I appreciate now more than ever I knew she always had my back. If someone said something bad about me, look out! She was ready to defend and never believe anything negative without talking to me first. What a blessing.
After she had passed and my father-in-law was making the funeral arrangements it fell to me to perform the service. Knowing how close we were some wondered if I could get through the obvious emotions but confidently I said I could.
You see I WANTED to deliver that message because she had meant so much to me. I wanted it to be the greatest funeral message I could ever hope to give and so I studied, prayed, and reflected on my friend much deeper than any other message before or since. I wrote, re-wrote, printed and reprinted my sermon notes over and over to make sure I could convey to those who would be in attendance what a great and rare lady we had all shared. When the day came I was ready, or so I thought.
The funeral was beautiful. Her family, friends, and co-workers shared different things that were touching and inspiring. When it came time for me to speak I went with confidence to the pulpit and off I went preaching a homegoing message for a woman I knew had entered the gates of heaven with a big smile on her face (funerals are sad so homegoings aren't funerals to me) .
When I preach I write very detailed notes. I know some don't and even others think that's wrong as if the Lord is limited because you write out what you feel He is saying to you in preparation for preaching. Others even complain that notes remove our reliance on the Lord and to that I say "hogwash" because I wouldn't have a clue what to write without Him. I know because I've tried.
With my four pages of notes (that's pretty standard for me on most messages) I began. I spoken with tear filled eyes and my voice occasionally cracked, but I felt great about everything I was sharing until I got to the last page. It was then that I noticed I had made a critical mistake. In my writing and re-writing, printing and reprinting I had messed up and had not brought a page four but two sheets of page three. Somewhere back at my home sat the conclusion of my message.
You must understand that the conclusion or closure of a sermon is the most important part. It is where scriptures, examples, and stories are tied together to make a point and of ALL times I didn't include that critical information in my notes.
It's amazing how time can seem to stand still in a moment. I know to the crowd that day it mush have seemed but a brief pause, but for me it was as a thousand years. The thoughts warped through my head; "Oh no! How could I have done this? This messes everything up and Dianna deserved my best!" I though many other things in that millisecond but quickly I regrouped and closed from my heart. It went fine but I was devastated inside. Now I know all the things most would say in comfort and I would agree and say them to someone else too but that was a very, very dark moment for me.
To this day some four years later that mistake occasionally haunts me. In fact every time I have something I consider different or important come up there's that memory of failure. Now at this point I could quote you a number of scriptures (2 Timothy 1:7, Philippians 1:6, Philippians 2:13, James 4:10 and thankfully the list is long in this regard) but what I want you to know is every time that dark moment comes up I center on this: "It's all right." Simple but true.
There's only been ONE person in the history of humanity who was perfect and for me to expect myself or anyone else to be is asking way too much. I forgive myself of that blunder every time it comes up and if you have anything in your life that haunts you please try it. You will never be able to forgive others until you can truly forgive yourself. Let it go and if it comes back let it go again.
I don't know if this story will help anyone but I felt led of the Lord to share. All our hurts don't always come from someone else and all our mistakes don't always have a tangible scar. Sometimes we just have a heart broken by our own hands. Whatever happened friend let it go as you would want someone else to do.
Thanks for taking the time to read my blog and always remember, YOU ARE LOVED!!
- For my friend
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