My Darkest Moment of Ministry

I don't know if I've EVER shared with anyone what I'm going to talk about in this blog.  Not that it's a great secret or anything scandalous, it's just something I hated when it happened.

A short four years ago my mother-in-law, Dianna Milligan passed away after a heroic battle with breast cancer.  Now many people do not like their mother-in-law but I was the opposite, I loved her.  I was probably closer to that incredible lady than I was to my own mom.  It makes sense since I had my mom in my life for 19 years and Dianna for 23.  She was a confidant, buddy, sister, mom, and dear friend.  Her loss was hard to get over and left a much larger void in my life than I could ever have imagined.  She made me feel like I was her son and not a son-in-law.

When Dianna passed I had been her pastor for around seven years and what a privilege it was.  She was faithful right up to the end even watching the church nursery from a wheelchair.  She was hard working, dedicated, kind, giving, and in an area I appreciate now more than ever I knew she always had my back.  If someone said something bad about me, look out!  She was ready to defend and never believe anything negative without talking to me first.  What a blessing.

After she had passed and my father-in-law was making the funeral arrangements it fell to me to perform the service.  Knowing how close we were some wondered if I could get through the obvious emotions but confidently I said I could. 

You see I WANTED to deliver that message because she had meant so much to me.  I wanted it to be the greatest funeral message I could ever hope to give and so I studied, prayed, and reflected on my friend much deeper than any other message before or since.  I wrote, re-wrote, printed and reprinted my sermon notes over and over to make sure I could convey to those who would be in attendance what a great and rare lady we had all shared.  When the day came I was ready, or so I thought.

The funeral was beautiful.  Her family, friends, and co-workers shared different things that were touching and inspiring.  When it came time for me to speak I went with confidence to the pulpit and off I went preaching a homegoing message for a woman I knew had entered the gates of heaven with a big smile on her face (funerals are sad so homegoings aren't funerals to me) .

When I preach I write very detailed notes.  I know some don't and even others think that's wrong as if the Lord is limited because you write out what you feel He is saying to you in preparation for preaching.  Others even complain that notes remove our reliance on the Lord and to that I say "hogwash" because I wouldn't have a clue what to write without Him.  I know because I've tried.

With my four pages of notes (that's pretty standard for me on most messages) I began.  I spoken with tear filled eyes and my voice occasionally cracked, but I felt great about everything I was sharing until I got to the last page.  It was then that I noticed I had made a critical mistake.  In my writing and re-writing, printing and reprinting I had messed up and had not brought a page four but two sheets of page three.  Somewhere back at my home sat the conclusion of my message.

You must understand that the conclusion or closure of a sermon is the most important part.  It is where scriptures, examples, and stories are tied together to make a point and of ALL times I didn't include that critical information in my notes. 

It's amazing how time can seem to stand still in a moment.  I know to the crowd that day it mush have seemed but a brief pause, but for me it was as a thousand years.  The thoughts warped through my head; "Oh no! How could I have done this? This messes everything up and Dianna deserved my best!"  I though many other things in that millisecond but quickly I regrouped and closed from my heart.  It went fine but I was devastated inside.  Now I know all the things most would say in comfort and I would agree and say them to someone else too but that was a very, very dark moment for me. 

To this day some four years later that mistake occasionally haunts me.  In fact every time I have something I consider different or important come up there's that memory of failure.  Now at this point I could quote you a number of scriptures (2 Timothy 1:7, Philippians 1:6, Philippians 2:13, James 4:10 and thankfully the list is long in this regard) but what I want you to know is every time that dark moment comes up I center on this: "It's all right."  Simple but true.

There's only been ONE person in the history of humanity who was perfect and for me to expect myself or anyone else to be is asking way too much.  I forgive myself of that blunder every time it comes up and if you have anything in your life that haunts you please try it.  You will never be able to forgive others until you can truly forgive yourself.  Let it go and if it comes back let it go again.

I don't know if this story will help anyone but I felt led of the Lord to share.  All our hurts don't always come from someone else and all our mistakes don't always have a tangible scar.  Sometimes we just have a heart broken by our own hands.  Whatever happened friend let it go as you would want someone else to do. 

Thanks for taking the time to read my blog and always remember, YOU ARE LOVED!!

- For my friend

Moving Forward

Today I put on an old church T-shirt. “So what” you say? Well you need to know it’s the first time I have put it on since I resigned as pastor of that church. It was a big moment for me even if no one else thought about it or cared.

I’ve served as pastor of six churches in my years of ministry all filled with mountains and valleys. For a long time I believed it was my ministry to serve as a part-time pastor for churches that could not afford a full-time position. Often I went in to rebuild after a split or other such situation that had left the church depleted and needing to start over. I did this until physically I couldn’t any longer.

When things go bad in a church an often overlooked casualty is the minister. Please don’t misunderstand, I know full well in such times it’s often the leaders fault things go as they do but RARELY was the crash planned. In fact I’d say almost never is a church catastrophe what people wanted and those hurt or offended forget that in their own hurt or anger.

When there is dissention, factions, gossip, moral failure, or even the disastrous split the local body suffers and the pain starts in the heart of the shepherd. He or she must bear this burden more than anyone else even after they’ve gone somewhere else.

The shirt I wear today is from one of my most pleasant memories. When it ended my heart was shattered in ways I could not have imagined it could be. Almost everything that could have happened short of moral failure took place and the cost was unimaginable. I could see it coming, I had been told it was coming and even made contingency plans to prepare for it but when it did I couldn’t handle it.

I thought of leaving the ministry for good. I considered many, many excessive reactions and today as I wear that shirt I praise my God that I didn’t do them.

So, back to that shirt. When I moved on I burned many of my memories as to protect myself from them. How foolish. Memory is in your mind not a drawer. I have prayed for YEARS about this hurt as I asked God to help me overcome my bitterness, regret, and pain. It didn’t happen overnight but I can definitely feel it getting better.

I look at myself in the shirt and a flood of good memories flood over me, the good outweighing the bad in massive proportions and I want you to know this can happen to you as well but you must keep seeking the Father. I think of Galatians 6:9 where it says “And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart.”
Moving on is a heart issue no matter why you need to move on or where from the most important thing is do not give up. Keep praying, keep seeking the Lord, just never, ever quit.

Thanks for taking the time to read my blog and remember, YOU ARE LOVED!!

A Weekend to Remember

OK, first of all there is no particular rhyme or reason to my blog.  Some blogs are deep, some are angry rants, some are insightful and others are spiritual.  Minus the anger (I hope) mine could be anything.  That's why this particular entry is more of a testimony that was too long for Facebook. 

I have had a particularly GREAT weekend, so good I had to write.  It started with Friday.  My wife (Tracy) left early to attend a WM's (Women's Ministries) conference hostED by the state office for the Assemblies of God.  Now this wasn't good for me as I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE my wife.  She is my best friend and I miss her tremendously when we are apart but it was a good thing for her!  We have a great women's group at our church but there is just something about getting together with others outside your own local church that is special.  Tracy doesn't like to be away from me and the kids so when she decided she wanted to go I KNEW she would get blessed and did she ever!!  She has been telling me about the richness of God's presence, the anointed worship, and the powerful life changing testimonies that were shared.  She committed that which is most valuable these days (her time) and she has been blessed for it.  When my wife is blessed so am I so we were off to a great start.

With Tracy out of town and the kids in school I had time on my hands and coupons for some free golf.  I had received these things for pastor appreciation and this pastor sure appreciated it.  It was a beautiful day, cost me nothing but my time and I learned something.  The only thing worse than playing a bad round of golf by yourself is playing a good round of golf by yourself.  There's no one there to see it!  Still, solitary golf is spiritual for me.  I talk to the Lord a lot while I'm playing.  I guess it's praying but it feels more like we are hanging out. 

When school was over the kids and I had dinner at home (that's when I REALLY miss my wife, seems like a leg is missing) and soon after my daughter went to a youth group activity leaving my son and I home alone.  What to do?  What else?  BATMAN!!  We watched the Michael Keaton version from the 80's.  Not quite as dark as recent versions and my boy loved it until he fell asleep.  Soon after my little girl came home and everyone went to sleep.  Nice Friday.

We were up early Saturday morning so my little girl could help with the youth group garage sale for missions.  My boy and I went to breakfast together then afterwards we played his FIRST round of golf that didn't include the word miniature.  He did (no disrespect to Tony the Tiger) GRRRREAT!  Of course I played as well (had to instruct didn't I?) and I caught a glimpse of my future golf buddy.  Excuse me I need a tissue for my allergies.

When we were done we picked up the daughter who's activity was about done and headed to Ruston, Louisiana for some college football.  As a reward for good grades my son received a free ticket to watch the #22 Louisiana Tech Bulldogs play so his sister and I tagged along.  Beautiful day, free tailgating food, and the home team won.  What's not to love?

When we got home my lovely wife was here to welcome us with hugs and kisses so now a very tired family is resting for a wonderful reunion tomorrow.  What reunion?  We will see our church family in the house of God!  I'm so excited about what He might do as I feel like I've had a mini vacation, Tracy is refreshed, and the kids love their church.  Yes, it has been one great weekend.

Many people have been posting daily "things they are thankful for" since it is November/Thanksgiving month.  I hope whatever you do you will take the time to tell someone how thankful you are for the blessings God puts in your life everyday.  Thank you for taking the time to read my blog and remember, YOU ARE LOVED!

the Damaging Debate

Last night the people of the United States watched the 2nd presidential debate between the Democratic incumbent Barack Obama and the Republican challenger Mitt Romney.  In the first debate the challenger was given the edge due to his strong performance and the President's overly subdued demeanor.  In the weeks that have followed even die-hard supporters have bashed the president for his lack of passion and it was evident last night this was an attitude he would not bring again.  The result was a contentious and terse debate that saw the men almost in each others faces.

Polls quickly followed that told how undecided voters felt uncomfortable in those moments as it seemed to show not who was superior, but that as always the two parties cannot get along.  Instead of telling us what they can do to "fix" our nation they would rather tear one another down as the other cried foul with "That's not true!"  For the undecided voters who will decide this election it was just more of the same and they are still undecided as they are weary of the party strife.

This morning as I was getting ready for the day and in prayer about the details (that's how I refer to the daily stuff, concerns that are not really emergencies) I believe I had an epiphany from the Lord.  I don't know if it was so much He spoke to my heart, but in my mind I thought "People are SO tired of this house divided it's no wonder they don't vote or don't even care.  Voter apathy is almost justified"  That's when it was almost as if another voice said to me "It's the same with my church.  Why would people want to come into a place of division?"

I lost my breath.  In just one moment it was as if a hundred realizations and thoughts popped into my mind.  Why on earth would someone looking for answers or down-trodden by life want to go to church for the answers or even relief when all they hear about is infighting and strife?

With 45 years in church and never a prolonged time away from the fellowship with other believers I have seen and heard a LOT of horror stories.  I can say without fear of being wrong that what hurts the church more than anything is the people who go there.  Across denominational lines we have the most ridiculous disagreements over petty little things that simply do not matter in the puzzle of eternity.

Someone may be going through a divorce or have torturous drama at home, so when they come to their local church seeking guidance what do they find but a split as one group wants blue paint in the new building and another wants yellow.  When they walk through the door they aren't welcomed, they're recruited!  Quickly leaving that mess they go to another church, a different denomination hoping that it will be different and it is.  Here there's a popularity contest going on as one leading family wants their loved one on the board of directors and another family wants theirs.  Out those doors they run to the last church down the street with yet another sign out front.  Here everyone is friendly but when they find out this person had tried two other churches the roast is on.  They begin to tell the newcomer how good it is that they've come to their church as all the others are SO wrong and crazy with their beliefs and surely going to hell because they don't believe as they do.

Like those apathetic voters they see nothing but contention and why would ANYONE want to join another dysfunctional family?

Now I am not promoting oneness or a single united denomination but what I am saying is we've all got to stop this now.  Recent statistics show that people in the United States are leaving churches across the lines.  As older generations pass new believers are not coming in to replace them and I believe it is because the church has given them many reasons to run away.

Every time we have fights, splits, gossip and broken confidances, every time we bash the preacher or fuss about things in the house of God we are giving a public opinion of why people should stay away.  Who would want to run into a falling house?  We must grow up.  We must put the needs of others before our own.  We must turn the other cheek when we are offended and continue to strive together before the world is completly lost.

In my life I have had plenty of wounds that came in church and I want you to know as bad as they hurt the love and concern I have received FAR outweigh those scars.  I want you to join me as we raise up a new generation that will not waist our time cursing the dark but praising the light.  No matter where you attend do not bash the church down the street or promote your disagreements.  Handle things in the Biblical ways.  We must work together and love on one another as we lift up the name of Jesus.  The old gospel ship will not sink as long as we do not scuttle her. 

Thank you for taking the time to read my blog and remember, YOU ARE LOVED! (Jer. 31:3)

Living Legends

Just the other day I was reading an article about the upcoming retirement of a sports icon.  The Atlanta Braves Chipper Jones will hang up his glove after 19 incredible years.  Over the near two decades he has amassed some Cooperstown statistics that are so amazing and yet I had never noticed.  Why?  Because I've always been a Braves fan, so much that I didn't notice this great star on my team of stars.

It got me to thinking, I've seen a LOT of legendary players in my 45 years of life.  I watched Joe Montana lead the 49ers to multiple Superbowl championships.  I cheered Emmit Smith as he broke the NFL all time rushing title.  I beamed as I watched Michael Jordan lead the Bulls to a dynasty and don't get me started on the heydays of watching Larry Bird take on Magic Johnson.  Wow!  That's just a few by the way.

Sometimes we are witnessing legends and we don't even notice or appreciate them until they're gone.  Which brings me to James Mooney.  If you don't know him don't feel bad, I didn't know him until I became pastor of Rocky Branch Assembly of God. 

James Mooney is a legend of the faith.  He has served the Lord for over 60 years and many of those in the shadows.  He has ministered to and prayed for thousands in that time.  He often was unpaid and wasn't looking for thanks, he was merely serving the Lord to the best of his ability.

At Rocky Branch he has cast a GIANT shadow.  People have a profound respect for this man and his gentle ways because they've seen his works and taken note.  Now in the twilight of his life he cares for his sweetheart of 64 (I believe) years and I know the people are noting his dedication and love for her at this time as well. 

Giants are all around us.  Everyday normal men and women are doing incredible things for the Lord simply because they love Him.  They sacrifice for His call, love people who use them, pray for those who criticise them and when they are gone it's tragic that only then do we appreciate their works.

Chipper Jones will no doubt end up in the Baseball Hall of Fame.  With his career he deserves it and in his last season even those who booed him have taken time to admire what he has accomplished.  There will be no enshrinement for men like James Mooney, Marvin McElhannon, James Sullivan, Don Scroggins,or Leroy Stevenson but there are those of us who HAVE taken notice and if we in our pitiful little abilities can take note I know our infinite God has as well.

Men like those I just listed are the types mentioned in Hebrews chapter eleven, also known as the "Hebrews Heroes Hall of Fame".  They will walk with other giants of the faith and I believe those of us who are still working once they've gone on to their reward will quote Hebrews 11:38 and say "the world was not worthy of them".

Thanks for taking the time to read my blog and remember, YOU ARE LOVED!

Just some ramblings...

I don't really have a theme this morning as I sit at my desk, but I just wanted to blog so let's see where this goes.

God has been so incredibly good to me that I just couldn't keep it inside.  The last few days as I walked out of our temporary home I have seen some small deer (little fawns) run scampering into the woods.  So, repeatedly the scripture "As the deer pants for the water brooks, So pants my soul for You, O God" (Psalm 42:1) . 

I'm going through one of those wonderful times of fulfillment all long time Christians go through. When we first get saved there is such excitement and zeal, but with the passage of time we level off, plateau, and even fade.  That' a dangerous time because it's on the plateau we can begin to roll back, backslide ever so slightly with the imperceptive slope of not moving forward. In these times we question our faith and begin to seek counsel or listen to those voices that may mean no harm but bring it none the less. 

But for those who WILL hold their place on he level ground there also comes times of refreshing and growth.  A personal revival when we feel born again all over.  That's where I am for this season and I am so enjoying it.

My day started with some VERY kind words from a cousin (I'm so thankful or my family) and that prepares me for whatever the day has ahead.  I read in the Bible when Paul was closing his letter to the Roman church (Romans 16) he repeatedly said "Say a kind word to..." and as I float on clouds today because of this unsolicited contact I am reminded of how important it is for us to encourage one another.  Battles may come my way today, struggles right around the corner but history shows us that those who fight from the high ground usually win.  A kind word had me up on the heights so bring it on devil, bring it on!

I am at a time in my life when my soul pants for the Lord.  A better definition is my soul is "gasping for the Lord who sustains me".  A good word in the midst of a personal revival makes up a dangerous combination to the kingdom of hell.  Look out devil, I's ready for you today!

Thanks for taking the time to read my blog.  May God bless you and keep you!

Work makes you sweat!

Saturday, July 7, 2012

In my last post I had mentioned there have been many changes in our lives.  In May of 2012 I had decided that I needed to make some changes in the life of our family.  I hope you understand what I'm about to say, "Not everywhere is a good fit for everybody".

For 19 months we had pastured a church where I was the only member of my family that was happy and I had allowed myself to slump into wimppiness (read last weeks blog).  There was nothing wrong with the church.  We were growing, people were being saved and good things were happening, it just wasn't a good fit for us. 

That happens in all things I guess.  People change churches all the time, but when it's a pastor it becomes a bit of a drama you don't want.  It has been my experience that when a pastor leaves people take it far too personal, like they did something wrong.  Here's an example; when we moved from a church we had pastured for some years I LOVED my new home!  Oh it was great, everything was so new and different from the restaurants to the sunrises.  On Facebook and here in my blog I would praise the Lord for all He had done and was doing but this was not a good thing to some.

Dear and long time friends felt I was disrespecting them in my good reports as if I were saying the joy of my new home was a slight against where I once had lived.  I was defriended and I don't just mean on Facebook.

Change is never easy.  Change always takes work.  If you want to lose weight a diet will be necessary even though you know it will be unpleasant to say the least.  Anytime we have moved, or changed where we were ministering it has been hard on us, hard on our friends, and even hard on the furniture but that's what change is, work!

If there is something in your life that needs to be changed get to work!  It may be hard but the results are always worth it.  Now, get up off that computer and do something you've been needing to do for a long time.  Read your Bible, go for a walk, call a family member you haven't talked to in a while or how about a suggestion that is always good - pray.

Work may make you sweat but it's the ONLY way things get done and change is good.